Film Review: Battleship

Certificate: 12A (intense sequences of violence, action and destruction, and for language)
Directed By: Peter Berg
Cast: Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgård, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker, Tadanobu Asano, Hamish Linklater, Liam Neeson, Peter MacNicol, John Tui, Jesse Plemons, Rico McClinton
Budget: $209 million
Runtime: 131 minutes
Trailer: Watch

Stephen Hawking infamously stated a couple of years back that beaming messages into space for any would be extraterrestrial listeners might prove an incredibly bad idea. The result he claimed, should any aliens out there take us up on the invitation, might be similar to "when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans". Such is the premise here in Battleship. When mankind blurts out a radio signal to a so-called 'goldilocks planet', an alien flotilla responds by crash-landing right in the middle of a naval exercise taking place off the coast of Hawaii.

What any of this has to do with the famous Hasbro board game upon which this is loosely based is anyone's guess, but even on its own merit this is a pretty ludicrous piece of filmmaking. Inanity comes in abundance as the film keeps firing miss after miss. In keeping with the tradition of firing blind Battleship interjects its elaborate macguffin to cause a radar blackout ensuring that a game of cat and mouse between high-tech US warships and generic alien armadas plays out, also enabling crew members to shout "miss" for shits and giggles.

But this is about as good as the dialogue ever gets. Full of bravado cliches, one character stoically declares "let's see if we can buy the world another day". Perhaps self-aware of the film's absurdity, another bloke questions "who talks like that?". Well, in Battleship, everyone. Further, for all the grand Michael Bay-esque spectacle this positions its ships to be in, the action is disappointingly not on the scale one might have envisaged. Indeed, for an entire US carrier fleet sitting in the vicinity of the combat zone (although strangely lacking in submarines), the film curiously removes them from being able to utilise their capacity in making things go boom. Although director Peter Berg does trump Bay in one department. If you thought all Transformers amounted to was one giant propaganda campaign for the US military, Battleship will have you donning blue overalls and singing "Yvan eht nioj"  before you can say "navy".

Still, you've got to admire how unashamed of itself Battleship is. At points it almost feels self-mocking, particularly in an almost ingenious stroke where it attempts to apply the board game to the film. It expends all its ordinance on logic and reason, almost sinking under the the bombardment of its own kitsch. Can't wait to see how 'Monopoly: The Movie' turns out.

Film Review: Wrath Of The Titans

Certificate: 12A (intense sequences of fantasy violence and action)
Directed By: Jonathan Liebesman
Cast: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Édgar Ramírez, Toby Kebbel, Rosamund Pike, Bill Nighy, Danny Huson, John Bell
Budget: $150 million
Runtime: 99 minutes
Trailer: Watch

Ten years after Perseus (Worthington) defeated the Kraken he must now join forces with Queen Andromeda (Pike) and Poseidon's son Agenor (Kebbel) to save the world by stopping Hades (Fiennes) and Ares (Ramírez) from using Zeus' (Neeson) powers to 'release the Kronos' inhabiting the prison of Tartarus.

So, an excuse for a bunch of epic action spectacles then. Given how bad Clash of the Titans was a sequel was totally uncalled for. Well, about as uncalled for as a sequel can be when its predecessor pulled in over $300million. But here it is, the Australian-sounding demigod returning in all his glory, replete with squabbling bearded Olympians back once again to bastardise Greek mythology.

Wrath of the Titans doesn't ask much, pretty much just CGI goodness bound together by a flimsy screenplay which only exists to shift us from action piece A to action piece B. Sure, given the first expectations for a decent narrative might have been low, but it seems a bit of a waste given how much talent has been cast here. At least it's honest, never pretending to offer anything other than to gorge on special effects. But if all that's left is a spectacle then what is the purpose of such? Well, ostensibly a fun romp which provides an exhilarating ride for its audience. Wrath scantly provides this either, featuring little more than a series of interchangeable action sequences.

Indeed, this wilfully dodges any semblance of character development, less it threaten to derail the rest of the film by making it even vaguely interesting. Worthington's Perseus is as dull a hero you'll ever see while Pike's gumptious Queen Andromeda feels very old hat. Kebbel's Agenor, there for comic relief, merely photobombs in the background. Although to say it is completely void of narrative might not be completely true; there is a common theme of Daddy issues going on as we're treated to about as many groan-inducing father-son rivalry scenes as action set-pieces. Meanwhile gods scarcely act like gods, more akin to petulant children with super powers throwing temper tantrums about how humans aren't paying attention to them anymore.

Positives? Well, the visual effects are much better than Clash of the Titans. But Wrath is robotic in its quest to push its exhilarating tropes, posing as a roller coaster which in actuality more resembles the linear, unexciting journey of a monorail.

Taken 2 Trailer

Film Review: The Grey

A plane carrying a group of oil drillers home after a long stint in the Alaskan tundra crashes in the middle of nowhere. While braving the harsh winds and freezing conditions, the survivors are soon faced with the imminent threat of a vicious pack of wolves who are stalking their every move.

Liam Neeson is someone with a very particular set of skills - a man any smart wolf would know to stay away from. Certainly, after taking on the Albanian mafia and dispatching would-be assassins, the trailer for The Grey sets a tone for continued Neeson arse-whooping as he clutches a knife in one hand and straps broken bottles to the other in preparation to do battle with a rabid beast. While such imagery has lead some corners of the internet to rename the film 'Wolf Puncher', it might surprise many to learn that this is actually wildly different than the trailer suggests.

The Grey works on two levels. On the surface it is a popcorn survival flick which pits man against the elements as alpha male John Ottway (Neeson) leads a bunch of roughnecks through snow and forest. In many ways it resembles survival horrors such as Alien, although here there's a bit more going on beneath the ice sheet. Indeed the meat isn't necessarily in its survivalist concept, which is compelling as it is, but in the symbolism of the barren tundra. The setting gives imagery to a man struck by grief, wandering the wilderness in search of answers and meaning. It is a tale as much about resilience against mother nature as it is against the despairing corner of the mind which harbours Ottway's inner demons.

Neeson is brilliant, conveying disconsolation convincingly as the survival of his peers seemingly invigorates him with newfound purpose. This is the kind of guy you want beside you when the world goes to hell in a handbasket, one of those rare people who instinctively acts in a crisis be it either shepherding a dying colleague through their prolonged death or immediately nipping any challenges to his authority in the bud. He is a man's man. No wait, the man. Admittedly the ever diminishing half-dozen men who make up the rest of the survivors are vapid characters at best as we're given family guy, argumentative asshat and massive stoic black man for good measure. However this can be overlooked in that they function in providing meat for the wolves in the survival horror context while representing indistinct avatars in Ottway's own doleful exposition.

Given that director Joe Carnahan's previous works of note were The A-Team and Smokin' Aces, this is actually a pleasantly surprising change of pace. What's great about The Grey is how it can either be enjoyed as a straightforward wilderness survival or something more cerebrally and emotionally taut. While Neeson brings a sobriety to proceedings we are given a palpably tense atmosphere built by a stalking wolf pack and dwindling numbers of personel. Perhaps the only disappointing thing is that for a film which promised a lot of wolf punching, there isn't all too much of it.

Film Review: Unknown

First, he travelled to Paris in order to reclaim his daughter from the Albanian mafia in the overlooked yet brilliant Taken. Now Liam Neeson is back, continuing his European tour rampaging through the streets of Berlin in Unknown. The man should really be commended for reinventing himself as the most violent middle-aged man in Hollywood.

Martin Harris (Neeson) is a biochemist just arrived in Berlin to give a keynote presentation at a major science conference. When his cab crashes into the river Spree, he awakes to find that his wife (Jones) no longer knows who he is and some ominous men are trying to kill him. With no identification in a strange city, Martin enlists the help of an ex-Stasi spy (Ganz) and cab driver Gina (Kruger) to help recapture his identity.

You'd be right to garner that Unknown is in the same vein as Taken; hell even the movie posters are almost identical. But this is more of a poor man's Bourne Identity. That's not to say that Unknown is a bad effort; it's very good at keeping you on your toes, frequently revealing new pieces of information which throw your previous theories enjoyably into the air. However, when the film is forced to finally reveal its secrets you can't help but feel that this has been done before and is consequently all a little vacuous.

While it isn't quite as well executed as Taken, at least Unknown is never dull. However, its downfall is where it tries to be a bit too clever to the point where plot holes beckon and the film stutters in places with pacing problems. In contrast, Taken succeeded in being more fluid with an altogether simpler and universally appealing plot; father rescues teenage daughter against a backdrop of teenage prostitution.

But hats off to Neeson, who really propels this film forward. While Kruger turns in a strong performance and the German supporting cast adds an element of realism to proceedings, it is Neeson's gravitas and conviction that provides the glue which binds the film together. If you enjoyed the antics of Jason Bourne and are clamouring for something similar, Unknown will transiently fill the void.

Film Review: The A-Team

(Chopper) Duh duhduh duuhhh, duh duh duuhhhh! Duhduh duh duhhh, duhhh duhduhduh duhhhhh! Sorry, had to be done. Even though this was an eighties show, many of you in my generation will remember it being shown on Channel 4 on Sundays. It's mildly peculiar why it's taken until now to bring such an iconic franchise to the big screen, but finally here it is.

This is an origins story of how The A-Team came to be, tracking how they all became acquainted. Liam Neeson plays Army Rangers Colonel 'Hannibal' Smith (Neeson), accompanied by Lieutenant 'Face' Peck (Cooper), Captain 'Howling Mad' Murdoch (Copley) and of course one of pop-culture's most talismanic figures, Corporal 'B.A.' (Bad Attitude) Baracus (Jackson), or more commonly referred to as 'Mr. T'. Together they form an elite Special Ops team working for the US military, that is until they are framed for a crime they didn't commit and imprisoned. Busting out of jail, they must clear their names, find the stolen US mint plates and capture the mercenary who stitched them up, Pike (Bloom).

Following on from its predecessor, the plot doesn't really matter here. It is, for all intents and purposes, convoluted garbage. If you actually sat there attempting to use your brain you would merely end up frustrated at the numerous plot holes. Indeed, The A-Team has never really been about the story, rather famed for its over-the-top action sequences and cartoon violence. In that sense what you're here for is a massive spectacle, which is precisely what the film delivers. There is seldom a moment where there is not some form of action happening. This ranges from the typical set-piece explosions and chase sequences to the downright ridonkulous, including flying a tank. Yes, one of those 60-ton armoured vehicles. From 20,000 feet.

Director Joe Carnahan has faithfully tried to recapture what made The A-Team unique, the characters, which should satisfy those with nostalgic tendencies. However, there are small differences. Liam Neeson's 'Hannibal' lacks the smugness of George Peppard where Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson's 'B.A' lacks much of Mr. T's charisma. Bradley Cooper's 'Face' and Sharlto Copley's Murdoch however do well at capturing the originals' ostentatiousness and lunacy respectively, whilst also managing to add their own new dimensions to the characters. It is nice to see Copley in his first major film since District 9, with one brief and amusing moment where he is allowed to showcase that South African accent we remember from the Wikus' character. As characters go however, the villains really suffer. There is no sense of an 'uber' bad guy as the narrative never allows for a strong villain character to develop. Pike is consequently relegated to no more than a guy who's there to fill the gap.

There is no doubt that 2010's rehash of The A-Team is a definite romp, but you will not enjoy it if you think too deeply about it. It is silly, like the original, but it is also chaotic and meandering with a wandering narrative. Perhaps the biggest disappointment is the failure to use the original eminent theme tune. Still, even though the plot is a shambles and the villainy somewhat underwhelming, the plan, sort of, comes together. For such a mindless film it is still an enjoyable bash.