New TV...

'Fall', tis the season when old and new television shows appear once again on our screens. The established stalwarts need no introduction; Breaking Bad, Dexter, Fringe and Sons of Anarchy have all inevitably raised their game, their quality unquestionable. But it is the newbies which I am concerned with in this post. What new gems are there to be uncovered? Having been on our screens for the best part of a month or two now, I shall attempt to offer a guide through the most high-profile new shows one might consider watching.

Perhaps the most intriguing out of all the new series, Homeland follows the exploits of Carrie Mathison, a CIA analyst who is warned that an American prisoner of war has been turned by Al Qaeda. When US Marine Sergeant Nicholas Brody, reported MIA since 2003, is rescued by Delta Force from known terrorist Abu Nazir, Carrie believes it is he who the informant had warned about. However, everybody else believes Brody to be a war hero which complicates Carrie's ability to investigate him without drawing the attention of her intransigent boss, David Estes. Damian Lewis of Band of Brothers fame reprises his excellent American accent and it also features Morena Baccarin, and she's fit! The series has achieved almost universal critical acclaim, Metacritic giving it a whopping 91 out of 100 based on 28 critic reviews. It's incredibly titillating and at times nothing short of riveting.

Michael Emmerson, perhaps better known as Lost's Benjamin Linus, returns to our screen in the first major roll since his island getaway in Person of Interest. He plays mysterious billionaire Mr. Finch, a man who developed a computer program for the government capable of predicting terrorist threats to the United States. Ostensibly designed to prevent another 9/11 type disaster taking place, Finch discovered that the machine was also capable of predicting 'irrelevant' crime, a feature the government has no interest in pursuing. Unable to ignore the fact that domestic crimes could be prevented, Finch built a backdoor into the system allowing him to retrieve the social security numbers of those at imminent risk of either committing or falling victim of a crime. Given a disability, Finch is unable to to investigate alone and so enlists a former Green Beret and CIA operative known only as Mr. Reese to help prevent said crimes. The pilot episode brought in 13.2 million viewers - the highest number in 15 years on CBS. Tapping into that post-9/11 paranoia coupled with fantastically nuanced characters, Person of Interest continues to improve with each episode.

Terra Nova's premise held so much promise. 2149 and humanity is on the verge of extinction due to overpopulation and air pollution. No longer blue and green, Earth is covered in a thick yellow hue indicating a planet on the verge of death. Fortunately for humanity however a rift in space-time is discovered allowing for people to evacuate through a portal to the Cretaceous period 85million years ago - a time when dinosaurs ruled the Earth. The Shannon family escape on the tenth pilgrimage of settlers to Terra Nova, becoming part of the first human colony on the other side of this temporal doorway. For all intents and purposes this is Jurassic Park the TV series, although a hell of a lot worse. Produced by Spielberg, it has all his paw prints of cheesy family-friendly primetime drama. Original this ain't either, 'borrowing' heavily from Lost by creating a nefarious group similar to 'The Others' whose motives are not fully understood as well as other jungle-induced mysteries. Also amusingly Stephen Lang's colony Commander, Nathaniel Taylor, is exactly the same as his grizzled Colonel Quaritch character in Avatar. As for the series' main protagonists, the Shannon family, it is not quite clear why they're so special as to warrant their meteoric climb up the social ladder to preeminence within the colony. Also, why travel back in time to a period before the dinosaurs got wiped out by an asteroid? Unfortunately the manner in which Terra Nova's material is dealt with makes it all highly improbable, which is a bit of a shame really.

Okay, it's not technically a new series, but given that season 1 amounted to a mere 6 episodes, after which the entire writing staff was sacked, I think season 2 of The Walking Dead warrants a re-examination. Picking up immediately after the literally explosive ending of the first series, we rejoin Sheriff Rick Grimes and co in their attempts to survive the zombie apocalypse. The series' main strength is its intense personal drama, however it is also part of its weakness. While incredibly suspenseful, it is likewise incredibly laborious in places which makes for a slow-paced show where nothing much really happens. Yes, it's supposed to be about a group's struggle for survival, but watching people merely survive doesn't necessarily make for compelling television week in week out. What The Walking Dead lacks most is something 'meta', a story-arc which the group need to strive toward, to give their exploits purpose. As it stands however, The Walking Dead is more about watching people foraging for food whilst coming across the occasional undead. It's well acted and a reasonably engaging personal drama, but I feel it needs an extra kick up the bum to really get going.

Film Review: Conan the Barbarian

This remake business is getting a bit out of hand isn't it? Does no one have an original bone in their body anymore? Are movie-goers doomed to an eternity of iteration upon iteration? One would certainly hope not. But epitomising this trend of late is German-born director Marcus Nispel, someone who has built a career on remaking other people's movies (Friday the 13th, The Texas Chainsaw Masacre, Frankenstein). Unsurprisingly then his latest work is also another re-imagining, that of John Milius' Conan the Barbarian.

In the Hyborian Age of beards and broadswords, evil Khalar Zym (Lang) murders the chief (Perlman) of a barbarian tribe whilst in search for the last piece of a magic mask. Years later the son of the chief, Conan (Momoa), is determined to avenge his father's death by killing practically everyone else. Along the way he gets involved with Tamara (Nichols), the last of an ancient bloodline whom Zym needs to complete a ritual that will activate the mask and enable him to rule the world. Or some such tripe...

Of course, you don't go into a remake expecting something groundbreaking and this new Conan is no exception. Blood and boobs, both are here. What you do expect from remakes however is how they will inevitably shit all over the memory of the original you enjoyed all those years ago. Again, Conan is no exception. In which case it might be unfair to chide those responsible for this work of unrelenting barbarism. However, even with such low expectations this incarnation is pretty bad, omitting everything which gained the original its pulp classic status, most glaringly the Austrian behemoth himself. Indeed, Arnie's are big boots to fill. So big in fact that even the hulking figure of Jason Momoa, whom many will recognise from Stargate Atlantis and Game of Thrones, looks like a scrawny little child compared to the Teutonic slab.

To be fair, Conan the Barbarian has a reasonably captivating if unambitious opening involving a narrator spinning some yarn of dungeons and dragons while a camera pans across a dingy, windswept landscape. Shot in Bulgaria, the country certainly has a knack for strangely alluringly drab environments, cinematographer Thomas Kloss truly capturing some fascinating locations and stunning imagery. We are introduced to Conan, plucked from his mother on the field of battle, and follow him through his teenage years to manhood in the form of Momoa's rippling form. However it is this stage of adulthood where everything starts to go wrong, the film descending into a farcical circus of hacking and maiming. Conan, as you might expect, is dedicated to unfettered carnage. In 3D.

The plot becomes largely inconsequential, merely existing to shift characters along from point A to B. There's something about a magic mask and the need of 'pure blood' from an extinct lineage of sorceresses to activate it, but the film doesn't waste any more time explaining this than it took you to read that sentence. There's less acting than there is grunting as blank avatars flex and pose to ludicrous effect. Dialogue isn't welcome in this men of men's world, typified by a scene in which Rachel Nichol's character threatens to get chatty, only for Momoa to silence her by stuffing a rag in her mouth.

Indeed, Nichols proves to be a forgettable love interest, literally yelping and screaming so much to be heard that you begin to wish someone put her out of her misery. Momoa is a drab slate without hint of personality or charisma while Lang is just about passable as your generic villain. Perhaps the only person seemingly involved is Zym's daughter Marique (McGowan), a seductive sorceress who's the only character that infers any real menace. Action set pieces, while impressive the first time round, wear thin by the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth time you see them to the point where all this sadism and barbarity is justified on the basis that, well, Conan is a barbarian. Indeed, our hero is so blank that he is almost indistinguishable from the bad guys. He fights under no moral code, nor does he stand for any kind of principle.

Conan the Barbarian exists to hack and maim as much folly as possible, purely for the sake of showcasing as much sadistic carnage as it possibly can. It's pure primitive savagery and as if to hammer this home Conan neatly surmises this film's philosophy on life, stating "I live, I love, I slay, I am content". It's the simple things after all, isn't it? In which case you might enjoy this simple film. Moreover though this lacks any sense of fun that in theory it should have in spades. It's all rather drudging.