Germans Kill Santa Claus

Proving Germans do have a sense of humour...

Weird and Wonderful Christmas Characters

What things do you associate with 'Christmas'? Santa? Snowmen? Christmas Trees? Presents? Or perhaps for the more holy among us you place an affinity with the birth of baby Jebus or the Three Wise Men?

Well, let me introduce to you something, or rather 'someone' new to add to your Christmas preconceptions. Someone far more sinister and who is about to change everything you associate with Christmas forever.

Meet...Krampus!

This charming fellow is Germanic in origin. Of course he is. What other group of people in the world could come up with such a maligning presence to ingratiate itself on a supposedly pure and happy day of festivities? Krampus here accompanies jolly old St. Nick during the Christmas season, dragging his jingling chains behind him and punishing naughty children. Allegedly, this demon also has a penchant for birching pretty young virgins. See the artist representation below as that pervert Santa Clause peeps through the window.

Dirty Voyeur

Thought you'd get away with a lump of coal did you? Think again.

The second chap I'd like to introduce you to is Zwarte Piet, or 'Black Pete' in English. This product of Dutch and Belgian folklore is not an evil demon like our dear friend Krampus here. Instead, his primary function is to accompany Santa around the 5th or 6th of December and amuse the children, distributing sweets and presents to those that have been nice. It is said that St. Nicholas, having thrown off the shackles of his evil past (no shit, he worked with the Devil prior to his change of heart), decided to enslave a little demon of his own as an assistant.

Santa and his Golliwog

Anyway, just thought I'd share some of this fascinating strangeness. Only in Europe, eh? Merry Christmas and sweet dreams!

NORAD Santa Tracker

NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defence Command, located deep underneath Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado, USA. Now, if you've ever seen Stargate then you will believe, like me, that the US Airforce actually operates what is known as the 'Stargate Programme' out of the facility and it remains our first line of defence against the nefarious Goa'uld. In the past couple of years however it has emerged that an even bigger mind-blowing conspiracy emanates from the secretive mountain complex, one that dwarfs the idea of fighting an evil galactic empire hell bent on enslaving humanity. NORAD, ostensibly responsible for defending ALL of North America's airspace, is, in fact, a front for its real mission; to track Santa Claus as he delivers presents to children around the world. Once a year the lights flicker on, the radars begin to whir, and the satellites make a series of elongated bleeps as the US Airforce uses all its multi-billion dollar hardware to track Rudolph and co. But the truth is out! Head here to find out how Santa manages to visit the world's children all in one night.