Fina-fucking-ly!

 

Arrrghhh! Finally! I managed to win the blasted online 2010 Fifa World Cup South Africa with England! And not without numerous attempts and frustration. What was doubly satisfying was that my opponent was some French guy playing as non-other than Germany! Rooney bagged both goals in a 2-0 victory, sporting England's historic red shirts. A repeat of '66? You betcha! See boys, I knew you could do it!

World Cup: Spain Reign!

And that, ladies and gents, is the end of World Cup South Africa 2010. Paul the psychic Octopus went eight for eight by predicting Spain to join the small elite of only seven other nations to have won football's most prestigious prize.

Spain, the team I backed to lift the trophy from the start, ran out worthy winners in what was not by any means a memorable classic, but nonetheless enthralling final. The set-up promised to see new World champions as the two teams, labelled to be the 'best teams to never have won it', met for the first time in a competitive match. Whilst I've always had a soft spot for the Dutch, tonight they entered the stage with the negative attitude of merely trying to stop the Spanish from playing. It was clear from the outset that only one team on the pitch in Johannesburg this evening truly wanted it.

The first half was a pretty dismal affair, with nothing of note really happening except for the numerous yellow cards flying out of Howard Webb's pocket. Still, at least there was one Englishman in the World Cup Final. Indeed, his reluctance to send a player off saw eight of the Dutch team walking the tightrope during the game. Webb had to concede that the dirty Dutch wouldn't be able to finish the game with all eleven men, but that only came in the second half of extra time when he had no other option but to send Johnny Heitinga from the field. It was a difficult game for Webb to referee, what with so much riding on the occasion. Had it been any other game the Dutch would easily have been down to nine, even eight men. Webb got a few decisions wrong, but he also got many correct, and it was his intention to have a final not marred by Dutch licentiousness.

[Karate Kid Nigel De Jong flattens Xabi Alonso. Wax on. Wax Off.]

The Dutch plan to stifle Spain's usual flowing play seemed to work as they took liberties with their tackles. It was not a pretty game to watch by any stretch of the imagination, but the game did pick up after a cagey first half. It was a fascinating tussle between Dutch pragmatism against Spanish exuberance. Chances were few and far between, but both sides had excellent opportunities to seal the win. First, old-man Robben, the 26-year old who looks in his mid-forties, latched onto an exquisite through-ball from Wesley Sneijder to go clean through only for Spanish keeper Iker Cassilas to brilliantly stand firm until the last minute to save. Cesc Fabregas then had a similar chance, but was shown onto his less favoured left foot as Maarten Stekelenburg pulled off a great save of his own.

And so extra time, with Spain looking the ever more likely to win it. The flying tackles of the Dutchmen were finally punished when Heitinga became the fifth person to be sent off in a World Cup final as he pulled Andres Iniesta down on the edge of the penalty area. The Netherlands came close with Joris Mathijsen's header before Iniesta struck for Spain with four minutes left to play. The Dutch were left furious as they felt that Elijero Elia had been fouled in the build up, with Mathijsen picking up a booking for dissent. As it stood, the ten-men of Holland were unable to find an equaliser with such little time remaining and Spain were left to banish the title of 'best teams to never have won it'.

To be honest, this hasn't been the best World Cup I've ever seen, mediocre at best. However it did have some captivating moments. It was special for having been hosted on the African continent, but the football on show wasn't quite up to the high standards we expected from some of these players. Some of the heavyweights just didn't show up as memorable moments from the likes of Ronaldo, Rooney and Ribery were non-existent. Add to that the dismal performances and early exits of some of the usual heavy-hitters, France, Portugal, Italy and England (cough), and the tournament seemed to lose much of the sparkle we expect from it. Whilst it was great to see some of the minnow teams do so well, it was disappointing that big teams of such pedigree and sheer entertainment were barely involved. In the end though the fact that Spain won was a victory for football. Sometimes breathtaking to watch, but never playing to their fullest, it was they who deserved it most. Given their early performances I was left wondering whether I had made the right call, but they stepped their game up just enough when it mattered. Role on Brazil 2014.

The Coke Cup

Authorities in Columbia have found a replica World Cup - made purely out of cocaine. The 36cm statue weighing 11kg was picked out by the anti-drugs police at Bogota airport. The cocaine was mixed with acetone or gasoline to make it mouldable.

You've been competing for the wrong cup, Señor Diego!

The reason for England's disastrous showing at the World Cup?

Amazing really. And to think, the WAGs have such little self-respect for themselves, choosing instead to continue in their pampered lives of luxury. Wankers, the lot of them.

Krauts 4 - 1 Chavs

Once again the sausage munching bosch have humiliated this torrid little island nation. The 4 - 1 defeat to dear Fritz in the World Cup today is the heaviest ever suffered by England in the tournament. And by George did they deserve it.

Words can't really begin to describe how awful England were. It was men against boys; and the boys won. Germany utterly ripped the toothless three lions to shreds, ending this supposed 'golden generation's' last hopes of winning the World's most coveted sporting prize. Tactically and technically inept, Capello stuck with the age old formula of picking players based on their individual talents rather than those suitable for the roles in a well balanced formation. And not one of these 'talented' individuals sparkled, with the defence by far the worst, or should I say 'wurst' aspect of the whole charade. Terry was terrible, Upson atrocious and my new favourite worst player, Glen Johnson, couldn't put a foot right. And while some may point to the fact that Lampard's wrongly disallowed goal was the turning point, you would be an idiot to denounce the undeniable fact that England simply weren't good enough. The real kicker however is that this was probably our best chance to win it, with almost zero real talent on the horizon to replace this current, ageing crop. The only thing that's disappointing is now there's no one left for me to follow for the rest of the tournament, almost as if it has ended for me as well. I suppose that's what the rest of the country feels like too.

The Huns didn't really have to work that hard for their victory, although it somewhat annoys me that two of their scorers were Polish. Not to say in some rudimentary way that I think it unfair Germany have 'foreigners' playing for them; I really couldn't give a shit about England getting dumped out in such a manner. But if those traitorous bastards in Podolski and Klose actually opted to play for their motherland, at least then Poland might have qualified in the first place and I would subsequently be able to have some pride in supporting someone else. Someone without overinflated expectations. I would rather that than being taken in by the ridiculous merry-go-round of 'England can win it' perpetuated by the Sun and my English 'compatriots'. I mean, it's Germany they chose for Christ's sake! The country that raped Poland multiple times over the centuries and used it as a car park for tanks.

Damn Poles, always stealing someone else's job. Perhaps 'German striker' can be added to the list of professions needed in Western Europe. Alongside 'plumber' and 'builder'.

(Disclaimer: I am half Polish)

Slovenia, Slovakia, same difference 0 - 1 Chavs

Better. Much much better. England finally got up and running after Jermain Defoe's 22nd minute strike proved enough to book England's place in the last 16. Who they meet there will be decided later this evening, but odds are that it will be old rivals Germany.

The scoreline didn't really reflect England's total dominance in a game where they maybe should have bagged at least two more. This is the team that we saw in qualifying, playing with a purpose, a bit more confidence and the ability to create chances. And the defence was equally good, with John Terry literally throwing himself in front of everything the Slovenians hit toward goal. It was this dogged determinism and passion which the nation had been hoping to see this World Cup, and hopefully it hasn't come too late. The only real noticeable worry is perhaps the lack of clinical finishing when the game really should have been killed off earlier. As it was, this meant the final ten minutes saw an unnecessary nail biting finale.

Unfortunately the failure to score more goals and the USA's late winner against Algeria courtesy of Landon Donovan means England finished second in the group, which could prove to harden their route to the final. If Germany win as expected against Ghana tonight and Serbia balls up to Australia it will mean we will have to face those sausage eating bosch on Sunday, a fixture most England fans should too rightly dread.

Anyway, the secret to this change in fortune? Well, cabbage-man Capello swears by beer apparently. "Yesterday evening they drank beer before the game. And I saw the team play with the spirit that we lost in the games we played before this game" he said somewhat confusingly after the match. You're the boss, Don Fabio. So expect those England flags people have been taking down all week to quietly reappear before Sunday. Hopefully we're about to hit a run of form that will allow us to get to at least the semi-finals. But given this is England, our glorious one-nil victory over the mighty footballing powerhouse that is Slovenia could well prove to be our 'peak' this World Cup. Time shall tell.

Vuvu-voom!

Love them or hate them, the vuvuzela has become a permanent feature of this World Cup. Already some stadiums in Europe have banned the devil's horn from entering their hallowed grounds, and one German fan was actually hospitalised when it induced in him a case of tinnitus. Always one to embrace new things, I too have jumped on the vuvu-bandwagon by downloading one of the numerous vuvuzela apps available on the iPhone. Yup, I as well am doing my part to piss off as many people as possible. Whatever you may think of them, the internet, as per usual, has contributed in glorious fashion to this new musical meme. Below are just a couple of my favourites...

Chavs 0 - 0 French Second XI

Codswallop. Balderdash. Utter tosh. What a crock of shit. I don't know where to begin really. England's performance was flat and unimaginative as chances were reduced to long-range shots from outside the area. Clearly Mr Bird perching below there on the Algerian goal wasn't too concerned about being disturbed by England ripping the back of the net.

It boggles the mind. Is it the players' fault, a bunch of 'talented' prima donnas who can't function as a unit? Or is it the cabbage man's tactics? I would be inclined to lay blame to the team. After all, what's the constant here? This set of players has competed in four major tournaments and been managed by three different coaches, none of whom have been able to get the best from them. On the other hand the players just did not look happy on the field this evening, which begs the question, what is going on behind the scenes at the England training camp? Something is definitely wrong, exemplified by the body language on show tonight.

I honestly believed that before this World Cup started the difference between another mediocre showing and a respectable performance would be Capello, the iron sergeant. He instilled a regime of discipline and cohesion that had been lacking in the national team since 1996. However, it could well be this which is the source of agitation amongst the players, who only find out if they're going to play two hours before kick-off. After tonight's rigid, inflexible commitment to the 4-4-2 system when it clearly wasn't working I have had to question even Capello's handling of the nation's beloved chavs. There were just no ideas from England and instead of maybe putting Joe Cole on for Heskey so that Gerrard could move in from the left and play off Rooney, Capello made substitutions in a like-for-like fashion, bringing on Shaun Wright-Phillips (groan) for Lennon, who was actually one of the better players, and Defoe for Heskey, who was shit.

This side is such a far-cry from the team that showed a real gluttony for goals, qualifying in an outstanding and convincing manner. In every major tournament England seem to play with such a nervous disposition and total lack of confidence, completely inhibited by the occasion. And this is supposed to be the best team we've had since 1966. Why these overpaid superstars fail to replicate their club form on the international stage is beyond me. I can still live in hope that we might have some sort of mini miracle in the 'Mike Bassett: England Manager' fashion, but I seriously doubt it.

Still, at least Germany lost today. Deutschland Deutschland UNTER alles.

Props to North Korea

I would just like to make a quick note about how impressed I was with North Korea this evening, despite losing 2 - 1 to Brazil. The David vs. Goliath match-up saw world number 1s Brazil frustrated by the lowest ranked team in the tournament (105th in the world) for 55mins. I wasn't really going to bother writing reviews of games other than England, and possibly those at the knock-out stage, but this was genuinely a great game and probably the best of the tournament so far. North Korea played with so much heart that by the end of the match it was hard not to be rooting for them.

Brazil broke the deadlock after a goalless first-half as North Korea blocked and stifled every Brazilian move. Only after half-time did Maicon, in what was intended to be a drilled cross into the box, blast the ball past Myong-Guk Ri's near post. But that's the thing with Brazil, if it were any other team you would have called it a fluke. Robinho, the most lively player in an otherwise drab Brazil team, then slotted a through ball for Elano to superbly side foot to make it two with 18mins to go. North Korea got the consolation goal they deserved just before the end when Yun-Nam Ji controlled brilliantly, showing great composure to fire past Julio Caesar. Sadly there was no time left for a shock equaliser.

North Korea were brilliant. They worked hard and star striker Tae-Se Jong, who cried at the national anthem, was particularly impressive. It's just a shame they didn't get a point out of it. Everyone expected the North Koreans to be brushed aside with ease in what is arguably the group of death, but after tonight's performance and today's lacklustre performance, Portugal and Ivory Coast should think twice.

So kudos to North Korea. Apparently the game would only be broadcast back home if they won this evening which is a shame. If there were ever a game in which one could take pride in losing, this would be it. I guess the Chinese actors Dear Leader paid to support North Korea inside the stadium at least got to witness it. I hope Kim doesn't line them up against a firing squad. Oh, and now we know who gets all the food in North Korea. Omnomnom.

Chavs 1 - 1 Yanks

England kicked off their World Cup campaign to our neighbours across the pond this evening, culminating in a one-all draw (or a "tie") if you're American. Gerrard got England off to the perfect start, slotting home a lovely through ball from Heskey inside four-minutes. However, just before half time Clint Dempsey's speculative effort was fumbled by Robert Green as the ball trickled over the line.

It's never good for one's health to watch England play. Always tense, it literally shreds your nerves to smithereens and is rarely an enjoyable experience. They started off brightly enough, but Milner, having picked up a yellow card within the first 25minutes was promptly, if not surprisingly subbed with only half an hour played for Shaun Wright-Phillips. Whether this was due to worries of his continually aggressive challenges or due to the fact he was unfit having been struck down with a virus this week is unknown. To be honest, I'm not sure if Wright-Phillips was the right man to bring on. I can understand it to a certain extent; Cherundolo and Donovan were causing problems with their speed down the right and whilst Wright-Phillips was quick enough to keep pace with them, I can't help thinking that Joe Cole might have had a more considerable impact on the game. Ledley King, suffering a groin injury, was taken off at half-time as Jamie Carragher replaced him. England looked to push forward as Heskey latched on to a through ball from Lennon only to fire straight at Tim Howard. For everything else Heskey contributed to the match, this further illustrated his lack of confidence in front of goal. Rooney then played Wright-Phillips in who also blasted straight into the hands of Howard. Green did sort of, kinda, make amends for his earlier screw-up as Carragher was embarrassed by Altidore who raced past him to see his shot pushed onto the post by Green. This exposed yet another weakness in the lack of pace in the English central defence. With no Rio Ferdinand at the back it is worryingly conceivable to see fast players zipping past Terry and his partner with ease.

To be fair, the Americans are a good side and certainly no pushovers. Ever the pessimist, I was actually half expecting a major upset this evening, so a draw isn't the worst result in the world. There were some plus points. England started to look like a good side in the second half, far more imaginative but alas when the gears really started to change into place and Rooney looked a bit more lively, it was already seventy-minutes. My shock man of the match was that great big lummox Emile Heskey. He managed to win the majority of balls hoofed up to him and hold onto them particularly well. Seems his biggest contribution to England's campaign won't be his World Cup ruining fall onto team-mate Rio Ferdinand after all.

All in all I'm not too disappointed by the result. Let's remember that the USA dumped European Champions Spain out of last year's Confederations Cup after 34 games unbeaten and also lead Brazil two-nil in the final, only to succumb three-two in the end. What is a concern now though is if England can win the group. I expect them to beat Slovenia and Algeria comfortably, but I also expect the States to do the same. This will leave both teams on seven points in the group, with the winner being decided on goal difference. So if we score less than the Yanks, a Round-16 play-off against Germany looks highly likely. And we all know what happens when England play ze Germans.

So I leave you in anticipation of tomorrow's headlines in the Sun. If the last few about the game with America are anything to go by, we should be in for a treat. Perhaps not as much as if we had won though...

 Ho ho ho!

World Cup Opening Cermeony

Welcome. Welcome to the World Cup. The biggest sporting event on the planet. Four weeks of the world's best players. Four weeks of silky skills, dazzling dribbles and glorious goals. Four weeks of twists, turns and drama. The 'ooos'. The 'ahhhs'. Four weeks of awesome.

So after literally spending months getting excited about this it has finally started. As with all these things, be it football, rugby, Olympic games, there is always an elaborate opening ceremony. They all follow the same suit; colour, acrobats, centre piece, flags...dung beetles. Yes, dung beetles. Out of all the pictures of the opening ceremony, this was by far my favourite.

Seriously, it's genius. I would buy the person that came up with this a beer. Two beers! I can tell this is gonna be a fantastic World Cup...

Task: Try all the Walkers' World Cup flavoured crisps

Right, so I've set a short-term goal I would like to achieve in life, and that is to try every flavour of Walkers' limited edition World Cup crisps. Flavours of the new novelty snacks are 'stereotypical' food-stuffs from the teams participating in this year's tournament. However, there are a few things that have disappointed me greatly insofar that out of the 32 teams competing, Walkers have only represented 15 nations, 3 of which aren't even participating! The three loser countries are Scotland, Wales and Republic of Ireland, which I presume were only included due to they being 'Home Nations'. Well, not Ireland. Although, I suppose they do have legitimate claim to be part of Walkers' chosen 'elite' crisp flavours, given the circumstances under which they did not qualify.

Anyhow, so far I have worked my way through only six of the varied assortment; American Cheeseburger, Brazilian Salsa, English Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding, French Garlic Baguette, German Bratwurst Sausage and Japanese Teriyaki Chicken. At the present, American Cheeseburger has tickled my taste buds mostest, reminding me of, well, ketchup basically. Surprising I suppose given the Yank's notorious lack of fine cuisine. Living up to stereotypes, the English Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding failed to ignite my pallet, proving dull and boring. True to English food I guess. German Bratwurst and Japanese Teriyaki weren't too bad, but tasted neither of what they claimed, and Brazilian Salsa which I tried today was again, a bit like ketchup. But I like ketchup, so that's fine. However, the most incredulous flavour so far is the French Garlic Baguette. I mean, seriously, bread flavoured potatoes? If the Australian flavour is supposed to taste like marsupials then they could have at least made the French one frog flavour.

Nine more to go then! Beneath is a full list.

• American Cheeseburger
• Argentinian Flame-Grilled Steak
• Australian BBQ Kangaroo
• Brazilian Salsa
• Dutch Edam Cheese
• English Roast Beef & Yorkshire Pudding
• French Garlic Baguette
• German Bratwurst Sausage
• Irish Stew
• Italian Spaghetti Bolognese
• Japanese Teriyaki Chicken
• Scottish Haggis
• South African Sweet Chutney (I swear they just made this shit up)
• Spanish Chicken Paella
• Welsh Rarebit

England Hooligan

Patriotism is an idiotic notion in its own right. But once every two years, for one month only, I lapse. About the only time I actually feel as if I want to get behind something is either the European Championships or the World Cup. Unfortunately, due to the random circumstances surrounding my birth, by default that 'something' has to be England.

I say default, but I suppose that's not technically true. Being half Polish I do have a second option, and I indeed took the underdogs back in 2006. Alas, Poland are shit, not even qualifying this year. So in an effort to potentially increase my chances of revelling in someone else's glory this summer, (which being England isn't realistically feasible), I begrudgingly invested in my other half's national colours for a reasonably extortionate price. At least the girl who asked if I needed any help was mega cute.

I'm off to trash a South African town centre and fight riot police with my compatriots. COMON' ENGLAND!

Fantasy Football!

As always I have gotten myself caught up in World Cup fever. This year is no exception. The official FIFA website, as it does with every major tournament, offers a wealth of fun and games for fans to participate in. One such game is World Cup fantasy football. With a budget of 140million, I have selected a team of stars from all over the world whom I hope will gain me points and aid me in my quest to win the grand prize of a Korean-manufactured car. Nice. I think.

Above is said team of all-stars whom I hope to carry out my great undertaking of car-winning. Ideally I would have liked another Spanish player in there somewhere, but I couldn't find the room. Oh wells. I can confidently say that with millions of other people playing from all around the globe that I don't stand a chance. I believe in you, Lee Woon-Jae...

England 23-man squad for the World Cup finals

No doubt most of us have by now heard cabbage man Capello's pick to lead England to glory in South Africa. And, no doubt, most of us probably think we could pick a better side than the 9-time league champion and Champions League winner.

With regards to the initial 30-man squad I was a little bit flabbergasted over the omission of Ashley Young. For an England team that always bemoans its shortage of naturally gifted left-sided players, Young would have been one of the first names on my team sheet. Instead, the cabbage man went with Shaun Wright-Phillips, Adam Johnson, Aaron Lennon and Theo Walcott as out and out wingers. For me, Wright-Phillips has had a mediocre season at best, Johnson came out of nowhere and gets knackered after 30mins while Aaron and Theo are more or less identical types of player. Thus I was left scratching my head over why Young was left out. But anyway...

That initial 30 has now been whittled down to 23. Theo Walcott, Adam Johnson, Darren Bent, Scott Parker, Tom Huddlestone, Michael Dawson and Leighton Baines all having been dropped. There were a few surprises however with the inclusions of Villa's Stephen Warnock and Chelsea's Joe Cole. But the biggest has to be the dropping of Walcott. Capello is known to be a fan of the young Arsenal winger, and whilst I was somewhat surprised by the decision not to take him, I also saw why. Now Walcott is a good player, and in both friendlies against Mexico and Japan he showed a fearless ability to take on and beat players, something England crave. England always seem to look a bit starstruck when they come up against quality opposition and to have a player who is not intimidated in such a scenario is a worthy asset. It sort of reminds me of Wayne Rooney's performance against France back in 2004 when the likes of Zinedine Zidane failed to phase him. This is the breed of player England need. And Lennon is similar. Whilst Walcott is able to go past the man, his final ball and often hesitation in creating an end product has let him down. Lennon is marginally better in this regard and thus probably deserves the nod ahead of the Arsenal man.

As a result, the 23 men that carry the hopes of a nation on their shoulders to South Africa this June are:

Goalkeepers: Joe Hart (Manchester City), David James (Portsmouth), Robert Green (West Ham).

Defenders: Jamie Carragher (Liverpool), Ashley Cole (Chelsea), Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United), Glen Johnson (Liverpool), Ledley King (Tottenham), John Terry (Chelsea), Matthew Upson (West Ham), Stephen Warnock (Aston Villa).

Midfielders: Gareth Barry (Manchester City), Michael Carrick (Manchester United), Joe Cole (Chelsea), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), Frank Lampard (Chelsea), Aaron Lennon (Tottenham), James Milner (Aston Villa), Shaun Wright-Phillips (Manchester City).

Forwards: Peter Crouch (Tottenham), Jermain Defoe (Tottenham), Emile Heskey (Aston Villa), Wayne Rooney (Manchester United). 

The only question mark that remains is over the starting eleven. I'm sure we all think we have the best idea over who should play, so with that in mind, let me join the legions of armchair football managers and impose on you my superior tactical genius. Now, cabbage man Capello has already stated he will play with two strikers at all times, but I choose to disregard that and controversially relegate Steven Gerrard to the bench. Instead, I go for a 4-5-1/4-3-3 type formation:

Joe Hart

Glenn Johnson / Rio Ferdinand / John Terry / Ashley Cole

Gareth Barry

Frank Lampard / James Milner

Aaron Lennon                                                     Joe Cole

Wayne Rooney

England have always struggled to find a place for Lamps and Gerrard in the same team. But more than anything, Gerrard has been in poor form this season. Milner's work ethic on the other hand is outstanding, second only to Rooney. I think with the two of them on the same field England could really get something going in South Africa. I also believe Hart has had an absolutely fantastic season on loan at Birmingham and was more or less the sole reason for their successful league campaign. Consequently he should be rewarded for this. Whilst he may be inexperienced, based on form alone he deserves a shot at being England's number one. James is too flaky, and whilst Green is a good shot-stopper, I think Hart is the better all-round keeper. I'm still unsure whether Lennon should start on the bench and be brought on as an impact player when the opposition's legs start to tire, but given Young having not made it, and my lack of confidence in Wright-Phillips, I give him the nod. Joe Cole, whilst having had a torrid time this season, actually looked pretty good for England in the friendlies and added a whole new dynamic to the Japan game when England were struggling for ideas.

Well, that's my take on today's proceedings. All that remains is to once more get swept up in the Sun's illusions of grandeur and amusing headlines about how we're going to repeat '66, only to ultimately be disappointed in a penalty shoot-out against the Germans. ENG-ER-LAND!