Per and Lukas Have Tea

My two favourite Germans embracing the English way of life =)

Japanese School Text Book

Preparing citizens for a visit to Britain...

Bwing On The Euwos

Is it 'wong' that I laughed?

Fina-fucking-ly!

 

Arrrghhh! Finally! I managed to win the blasted online 2010 Fifa World Cup South Africa with England! And not without numerous attempts and frustration. What was doubly satisfying was that my opponent was some French guy playing as non-other than Germany! Rooney bagged both goals in a 2-0 victory, sporting England's historic red shirts. A repeat of '66? You betcha! See boys, I knew you could do it!

The reason for England's disastrous showing at the World Cup?

Amazing really. And to think, the WAGs have such little self-respect for themselves, choosing instead to continue in their pampered lives of luxury. Wankers, the lot of them.

Krauts 4 - 1 Chavs

Once again the sausage munching bosch have humiliated this torrid little island nation. The 4 - 1 defeat to dear Fritz in the World Cup today is the heaviest ever suffered by England in the tournament. And by George did they deserve it.

Words can't really begin to describe how awful England were. It was men against boys; and the boys won. Germany utterly ripped the toothless three lions to shreds, ending this supposed 'golden generation's' last hopes of winning the World's most coveted sporting prize. Tactically and technically inept, Capello stuck with the age old formula of picking players based on their individual talents rather than those suitable for the roles in a well balanced formation. And not one of these 'talented' individuals sparkled, with the defence by far the worst, or should I say 'wurst' aspect of the whole charade. Terry was terrible, Upson atrocious and my new favourite worst player, Glen Johnson, couldn't put a foot right. And while some may point to the fact that Lampard's wrongly disallowed goal was the turning point, you would be an idiot to denounce the undeniable fact that England simply weren't good enough. The real kicker however is that this was probably our best chance to win it, with almost zero real talent on the horizon to replace this current, ageing crop. The only thing that's disappointing is now there's no one left for me to follow for the rest of the tournament, almost as if it has ended for me as well. I suppose that's what the rest of the country feels like too.

The Huns didn't really have to work that hard for their victory, although it somewhat annoys me that two of their scorers were Polish. Not to say in some rudimentary way that I think it unfair Germany have 'foreigners' playing for them; I really couldn't give a shit about England getting dumped out in such a manner. But if those traitorous bastards in Podolski and Klose actually opted to play for their motherland, at least then Poland might have qualified in the first place and I would subsequently be able to have some pride in supporting someone else. Someone without overinflated expectations. I would rather that than being taken in by the ridiculous merry-go-round of 'England can win it' perpetuated by the Sun and my English 'compatriots'. I mean, it's Germany they chose for Christ's sake! The country that raped Poland multiple times over the centuries and used it as a car park for tanks.

Damn Poles, always stealing someone else's job. Perhaps 'German striker' can be added to the list of professions needed in Western Europe. Alongside 'plumber' and 'builder'.

(Disclaimer: I am half Polish)

Slovenia, Slovakia, same difference 0 - 1 Chavs

Better. Much much better. England finally got up and running after Jermain Defoe's 22nd minute strike proved enough to book England's place in the last 16. Who they meet there will be decided later this evening, but odds are that it will be old rivals Germany.

The scoreline didn't really reflect England's total dominance in a game where they maybe should have bagged at least two more. This is the team that we saw in qualifying, playing with a purpose, a bit more confidence and the ability to create chances. And the defence was equally good, with John Terry literally throwing himself in front of everything the Slovenians hit toward goal. It was this dogged determinism and passion which the nation had been hoping to see this World Cup, and hopefully it hasn't come too late. The only real noticeable worry is perhaps the lack of clinical finishing when the game really should have been killed off earlier. As it was, this meant the final ten minutes saw an unnecessary nail biting finale.

Unfortunately the failure to score more goals and the USA's late winner against Algeria courtesy of Landon Donovan means England finished second in the group, which could prove to harden their route to the final. If Germany win as expected against Ghana tonight and Serbia balls up to Australia it will mean we will have to face those sausage eating bosch on Sunday, a fixture most England fans should too rightly dread.

Anyway, the secret to this change in fortune? Well, cabbage-man Capello swears by beer apparently. "Yesterday evening they drank beer before the game. And I saw the team play with the spirit that we lost in the games we played before this game" he said somewhat confusingly after the match. You're the boss, Don Fabio. So expect those England flags people have been taking down all week to quietly reappear before Sunday. Hopefully we're about to hit a run of form that will allow us to get to at least the semi-finals. But given this is England, our glorious one-nil victory over the mighty footballing powerhouse that is Slovenia could well prove to be our 'peak' this World Cup. Time shall tell.

Chavs 0 - 0 French Second XI

Codswallop. Balderdash. Utter tosh. What a crock of shit. I don't know where to begin really. England's performance was flat and unimaginative as chances were reduced to long-range shots from outside the area. Clearly Mr Bird perching below there on the Algerian goal wasn't too concerned about being disturbed by England ripping the back of the net.

It boggles the mind. Is it the players' fault, a bunch of 'talented' prima donnas who can't function as a unit? Or is it the cabbage man's tactics? I would be inclined to lay blame to the team. After all, what's the constant here? This set of players has competed in four major tournaments and been managed by three different coaches, none of whom have been able to get the best from them. On the other hand the players just did not look happy on the field this evening, which begs the question, what is going on behind the scenes at the England training camp? Something is definitely wrong, exemplified by the body language on show tonight.

I honestly believed that before this World Cup started the difference between another mediocre showing and a respectable performance would be Capello, the iron sergeant. He instilled a regime of discipline and cohesion that had been lacking in the national team since 1996. However, it could well be this which is the source of agitation amongst the players, who only find out if they're going to play two hours before kick-off. After tonight's rigid, inflexible commitment to the 4-4-2 system when it clearly wasn't working I have had to question even Capello's handling of the nation's beloved chavs. There were just no ideas from England and instead of maybe putting Joe Cole on for Heskey so that Gerrard could move in from the left and play off Rooney, Capello made substitutions in a like-for-like fashion, bringing on Shaun Wright-Phillips (groan) for Lennon, who was actually one of the better players, and Defoe for Heskey, who was shit.

This side is such a far-cry from the team that showed a real gluttony for goals, qualifying in an outstanding and convincing manner. In every major tournament England seem to play with such a nervous disposition and total lack of confidence, completely inhibited by the occasion. And this is supposed to be the best team we've had since 1966. Why these overpaid superstars fail to replicate their club form on the international stage is beyond me. I can still live in hope that we might have some sort of mini miracle in the 'Mike Bassett: England Manager' fashion, but I seriously doubt it.

Still, at least Germany lost today. Deutschland Deutschland UNTER alles.

Chavs 1 - 1 Yanks

England kicked off their World Cup campaign to our neighbours across the pond this evening, culminating in a one-all draw (or a "tie") if you're American. Gerrard got England off to the perfect start, slotting home a lovely through ball from Heskey inside four-minutes. However, just before half time Clint Dempsey's speculative effort was fumbled by Robert Green as the ball trickled over the line.

It's never good for one's health to watch England play. Always tense, it literally shreds your nerves to smithereens and is rarely an enjoyable experience. They started off brightly enough, but Milner, having picked up a yellow card within the first 25minutes was promptly, if not surprisingly subbed with only half an hour played for Shaun Wright-Phillips. Whether this was due to worries of his continually aggressive challenges or due to the fact he was unfit having been struck down with a virus this week is unknown. To be honest, I'm not sure if Wright-Phillips was the right man to bring on. I can understand it to a certain extent; Cherundolo and Donovan were causing problems with their speed down the right and whilst Wright-Phillips was quick enough to keep pace with them, I can't help thinking that Joe Cole might have had a more considerable impact on the game. Ledley King, suffering a groin injury, was taken off at half-time as Jamie Carragher replaced him. England looked to push forward as Heskey latched on to a through ball from Lennon only to fire straight at Tim Howard. For everything else Heskey contributed to the match, this further illustrated his lack of confidence in front of goal. Rooney then played Wright-Phillips in who also blasted straight into the hands of Howard. Green did sort of, kinda, make amends for his earlier screw-up as Carragher was embarrassed by Altidore who raced past him to see his shot pushed onto the post by Green. This exposed yet another weakness in the lack of pace in the English central defence. With no Rio Ferdinand at the back it is worryingly conceivable to see fast players zipping past Terry and his partner with ease.

To be fair, the Americans are a good side and certainly no pushovers. Ever the pessimist, I was actually half expecting a major upset this evening, so a draw isn't the worst result in the world. There were some plus points. England started to look like a good side in the second half, far more imaginative but alas when the gears really started to change into place and Rooney looked a bit more lively, it was already seventy-minutes. My shock man of the match was that great big lummox Emile Heskey. He managed to win the majority of balls hoofed up to him and hold onto them particularly well. Seems his biggest contribution to England's campaign won't be his World Cup ruining fall onto team-mate Rio Ferdinand after all.

All in all I'm not too disappointed by the result. Let's remember that the USA dumped European Champions Spain out of last year's Confederations Cup after 34 games unbeaten and also lead Brazil two-nil in the final, only to succumb three-two in the end. What is a concern now though is if England can win the group. I expect them to beat Slovenia and Algeria comfortably, but I also expect the States to do the same. This will leave both teams on seven points in the group, with the winner being decided on goal difference. So if we score less than the Yanks, a Round-16 play-off against Germany looks highly likely. And we all know what happens when England play ze Germans.

So I leave you in anticipation of tomorrow's headlines in the Sun. If the last few about the game with America are anything to go by, we should be in for a treat. Perhaps not as much as if we had won though...

 Ho ho ho!

England Hooligan

Patriotism is an idiotic notion in its own right. But once every two years, for one month only, I lapse. About the only time I actually feel as if I want to get behind something is either the European Championships or the World Cup. Unfortunately, due to the random circumstances surrounding my birth, by default that 'something' has to be England.

I say default, but I suppose that's not technically true. Being half Polish I do have a second option, and I indeed took the underdogs back in 2006. Alas, Poland are shit, not even qualifying this year. So in an effort to potentially increase my chances of revelling in someone else's glory this summer, (which being England isn't realistically feasible), I begrudgingly invested in my other half's national colours for a reasonably extortionate price. At least the girl who asked if I needed any help was mega cute.

I'm off to trash a South African town centre and fight riot police with my compatriots. COMON' ENGLAND!

England 23-man squad for the World Cup finals

No doubt most of us have by now heard cabbage man Capello's pick to lead England to glory in South Africa. And, no doubt, most of us probably think we could pick a better side than the 9-time league champion and Champions League winner.

With regards to the initial 30-man squad I was a little bit flabbergasted over the omission of Ashley Young. For an England team that always bemoans its shortage of naturally gifted left-sided players, Young would have been one of the first names on my team sheet. Instead, the cabbage man went with Shaun Wright-Phillips, Adam Johnson, Aaron Lennon and Theo Walcott as out and out wingers. For me, Wright-Phillips has had a mediocre season at best, Johnson came out of nowhere and gets knackered after 30mins while Aaron and Theo are more or less identical types of player. Thus I was left scratching my head over why Young was left out. But anyway...

That initial 30 has now been whittled down to 23. Theo Walcott, Adam Johnson, Darren Bent, Scott Parker, Tom Huddlestone, Michael Dawson and Leighton Baines all having been dropped. There were a few surprises however with the inclusions of Villa's Stephen Warnock and Chelsea's Joe Cole. But the biggest has to be the dropping of Walcott. Capello is known to be a fan of the young Arsenal winger, and whilst I was somewhat surprised by the decision not to take him, I also saw why. Now Walcott is a good player, and in both friendlies against Mexico and Japan he showed a fearless ability to take on and beat players, something England crave. England always seem to look a bit starstruck when they come up against quality opposition and to have a player who is not intimidated in such a scenario is a worthy asset. It sort of reminds me of Wayne Rooney's performance against France back in 2004 when the likes of Zinedine Zidane failed to phase him. This is the breed of player England need. And Lennon is similar. Whilst Walcott is able to go past the man, his final ball and often hesitation in creating an end product has let him down. Lennon is marginally better in this regard and thus probably deserves the nod ahead of the Arsenal man.

As a result, the 23 men that carry the hopes of a nation on their shoulders to South Africa this June are:

Goalkeepers: Joe Hart (Manchester City), David James (Portsmouth), Robert Green (West Ham).

Defenders: Jamie Carragher (Liverpool), Ashley Cole (Chelsea), Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United), Glen Johnson (Liverpool), Ledley King (Tottenham), John Terry (Chelsea), Matthew Upson (West Ham), Stephen Warnock (Aston Villa).

Midfielders: Gareth Barry (Manchester City), Michael Carrick (Manchester United), Joe Cole (Chelsea), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), Frank Lampard (Chelsea), Aaron Lennon (Tottenham), James Milner (Aston Villa), Shaun Wright-Phillips (Manchester City).

Forwards: Peter Crouch (Tottenham), Jermain Defoe (Tottenham), Emile Heskey (Aston Villa), Wayne Rooney (Manchester United). 

The only question mark that remains is over the starting eleven. I'm sure we all think we have the best idea over who should play, so with that in mind, let me join the legions of armchair football managers and impose on you my superior tactical genius. Now, cabbage man Capello has already stated he will play with two strikers at all times, but I choose to disregard that and controversially relegate Steven Gerrard to the bench. Instead, I go for a 4-5-1/4-3-3 type formation:

Joe Hart

Glenn Johnson / Rio Ferdinand / John Terry / Ashley Cole

Gareth Barry

Frank Lampard / James Milner

Aaron Lennon                                                     Joe Cole

Wayne Rooney

England have always struggled to find a place for Lamps and Gerrard in the same team. But more than anything, Gerrard has been in poor form this season. Milner's work ethic on the other hand is outstanding, second only to Rooney. I think with the two of them on the same field England could really get something going in South Africa. I also believe Hart has had an absolutely fantastic season on loan at Birmingham and was more or less the sole reason for their successful league campaign. Consequently he should be rewarded for this. Whilst he may be inexperienced, based on form alone he deserves a shot at being England's number one. James is too flaky, and whilst Green is a good shot-stopper, I think Hart is the better all-round keeper. I'm still unsure whether Lennon should start on the bench and be brought on as an impact player when the opposition's legs start to tire, but given Young having not made it, and my lack of confidence in Wright-Phillips, I give him the nod. Joe Cole, whilst having had a torrid time this season, actually looked pretty good for England in the friendlies and added a whole new dynamic to the Japan game when England were struggling for ideas.

Well, that's my take on today's proceedings. All that remains is to once more get swept up in the Sun's illusions of grandeur and amusing headlines about how we're going to repeat '66, only to ultimately be disappointed in a penalty shoot-out against the Germans. ENG-ER-LAND!